Honesty

I never liked the way it sounded when I considered telling my child that she was "lying" or refering to other people as "liars" when I was speaking with my children present. It took me some thinking to figure out how I was going to approach the idea of saying things that are not true, as well as detering that behavior in my own children.

Most of my parenting comes from simply sitting and reflecting on my own childhood and what it was like to be a child. Where did I learn honesty (or lack there of)? Where did I learn to tell lies? What made me not want to be dishonest?

First and foremost, I decided that I would refer to the act of lying as "being dishonest". I feel like that is a more gentle way to refer to that action. To call someone a liar is to call them a derogatory name. To tell someone that they are being dishonest is to refer to their actual behavior. I never, ever use derogatory terms when I am talking to my children or around them.

So where do we learn to lie? Some element of logic tells us that fibbing is a great way to get out of sticky situations that you put yourself in. Eventually, you learn that this backfire tremendously. The bigger the lie, the bigger the mess you create. There is also "pro-social" lies. Like telling your girlfriend you love her new hair, when in reality you think it stinks. We learn both of these from our parents and our mentors. You hear your mother call in sick to work because your family is going to the fair that day. You hear your father tell your grandmother you are going to be late to dinner because of traffic, when really he got side tracked on the internet. These small examples tell children that it is okay to make up lies to get yourself out of trouble. The "honest" thing to do it take responsibility for your own transgressions. Generally, they are not that big of a deal, which is why we turn to making up stories in the first place. What children hear, however, is "This is a big enough deal for my mom/dad to lie about it."

Obviously, I am going to say that the best deterant is to not lie. Do not lie to your children or around them. It may even encourage you to be a more honest person. I know there are times (geez, many times!) I wanted to make up some GREAT reason why my kids are late to school, other than that Mommy left the house 5 minutes late. However, my children hold me to a higher standard than that. They would question my judgment (very verbally, lol) if I started being dishonest.

Do my kids lie? Of course they do. Do they get caught? Yup. What do I do about it? I tell them "I really don't appreciate your dishonesty." 100 percent of the time I get the downcast gaze and "Momma, will you forgive me?". Not because I told them they were liars. Not because I used a condescending tone. Not because I hurt their feelings. They understand that I expect them to be honest and that I will be honest with them. Sometimes bigger lies warrant bigger discussions, but it is always about the same concept:

I expect you to be honest, and you should expect me to be honest, too.

21 hours to go!

Wow your crib looks so fantastic and comfy!...

Too bad it is fill with various hazards that make it so darn comfy looking!

Crib safety... sigh. It is one of those things I am so very anal about with my own home, but see many people forget their common sense when addressing it. Or just not addressing it at all.

I will start by listing the only items you need in your infants crib:

1. A firm crib mattress with no cracks in it. Cracks in the crib mattress can and will harbor all

sorts of bacteria that you do not want growing and infecting your child.

2. A crib sheet. It doesn't have to be waterproof but it is always helpful. Make sure it is fitted and the correct size. You should keep 3 or 4 of these on hand so you can wash dirty ones and have a replacement handy.

That's it. Seriously. I know you think I am crazy but that is it. Notice the lack of toys, stuffed animals, and frilly stuff listed. Also take notice that your infant is not feeling neglected because they do not have a blanket to pull on top of their heads or a crib bumper to lodge themselves in.

Crib bumpers were initially invented because of the lack of regulation around crib manufacturing. It used to be that children could actually get their heads stuck in between the crib slats and hang themselves, for lack of a better term. These days you cannot fit a soda can in between the slats, much less an entire head. If you can, that means your crib is far outdated. Crib bumpers actually served a purpose back then. Now-a-days they are nothing but suffocation hazards. Here is why:

Infants do not have the cognitive skills to process the thought "Hey, I can't breath. This crib bumper is suffocating me. I should probably move my head now." Infants run on reflex and instinct for the most part. Especially young infants. Part of their reflex and instinct is learning to move their body in search of pretty things... like crib bumpers. They are not in control of their body, but almost flailing about until they gain more motor control. Unfortunately, they cannot move around with much purpose or direction - say, out of the crib bumper when they get stuck and can't breath. They can, however, accidentally roll themselves INTO the crib bumper. And theoretically they could accidentally roll out of it, as well. But are you going to trust theory and accidents over your own common sense? Hopefully not.

It has been suggested to me that crib bumpers are safe because that they prevent your child from hitting their head on the slats. I can agree on some level that it would cushion a bump - however, these people fail to take into consideration simple physics. If your infant is at a developmental stage where that can indeed roll, or even move, at a speed with enough force to actually hit their head hard enough to do more damage than suffocation (which is the idea that you are defending), then your infant is probably old enough to be able to remove their lodged faces from the crib bumper and not suffocate. Furthermore, they are probably 3 years old and do not need to be in a crib anyway. It is literally impossible for an infant to give themselves a head injury in that manner; however, there are actually recorded deaths of infants suffocating in crib bumpers. Here is yet another link to a study on crib bumpers. It concluded that all crib bumpers are hazardous and should not be used: http://www.californiasids.com/UploadedFiles/Forms/Bumper%20Pad%20Article.pdf

Next on the agenda is all the cozy, comfy things you put in the crib to entertain your infant or keep them warm.

Infants are learning to use their motor skills and one of those is their ability to grasp items with those cute little fingers. Items like your hair, your earrings, your sunglasses, the cat's ears, and even the blanket you insist on putting in their crib.

And do you recall where those items all go? IN THE MOUTH. ON THE FACE. ON THE HEAD.

Anything cushy that goes into the crib can subsequently go onto your infants head, which is a suffocation hazard. Especially blankets. A good rule of thumb: Anything soft does not belong in the crib. If you are concerned that your infant will be cold, which is valid, without a blanket there is a simple solution: turn up the thermostat a degree of two. Dress them in a t-shirt and pajamas. And, if you insist, invest in a sleep sack!

These are not crazy, outrageous suggestions. Infants to not have the same motor and cognitive skills that you do. Nor do they care for cozy items. Safety should always be first, because if it is not - you can't take it back if something goes wrong. I understand that the chances are low that your child will actually suffocate in these items - but does it seem like a good compromise to take chances with your child's life just so that their crib can be pretty with fuzzy, cozy things?

The big question...

Madison: Mommy, why aren't we going to see Sara in the hospital today?

Me: Well, babies usually come out of your vagina but Sara had to have a c-section, which means they had to cut her tummy to get the baby out. So we are going to visit her tomorrow instead.

Madison: Oh. Mommy... I know how the baby gets out of Sara's tummy, but how did it get in there?

Dun, dun, dun...

Madison was a whole whopping 5 years old when she asked me the question all parents anticipate with fear. My awesome answer was "I am not comfortable talking to you about that right now, but when you are older I will tell you." and then I consulted my boss at the time who has a Ph. D. in Child Psychology. Her response was not very comforting. It made sense but did not make me less reluctant to tell my 5 year old about the birds and the bees.

The appropriate age to tell a child about sex and conception varies by each child, just like every other developmental milestone. Yes, being ready for "the talk" is a developmental milestone. The simple reason being that they have to gain the cognitive reasoning that tells them that women cannot just become pregnant. Pregnancy has to be a consequence of something... but what is it the consequence of? That's when you get hit with the question of where babies come from (or in my case, how they got in there in the first place). In my years in the classroom I have never been asked this question. In regards to my own pregnancy, I got asked how the baby is going to come out. I redirected them to their parents - you're welcome.

Even though my boss assured me it would be okay to tell Madison, so long as it was facts and not candy coated fibs (the stork, etc), I was not going to have that conversation with my 5 year old. The key here is HONESTY. My children understand me as an honest person, and I gave them my honest answer "I am not ready to talk to you about that right now. I will talk to you about it when you are older." So Madison asked me if she could know how babies get into mommies tummies on her 6th birthday. And her 7th birthday. And her 8th birthday. On her 6th and 7th birthday's I told her I still wasn't ready, but on her 8th birthday I told her I needed time to think about how I was going to talk to her about it, but that I would indeed tell her soon.

I don't recall how I began the conversation but it was just the two of us. No pictures. No graphic books. No videos. Just the two of us. And I told her the truth and used proper terminology. We didn't discuss pee pee's (we always use proper terminology in my home anyway so that wasn't a stretch). She already knew what a period was, but I reviewed the facts about the egg and the sperm. I talked about semen and ejaculation (I dislike that word!) and finally the birth of the baby.

Madison was thoroughly appalled. I asked her if she had any questions and she said no. I didn't believe her so I told her "You must have questions because that is a lot of information. I want you to ask me any questions that you can think of. Even if you think of them later." She finally came up with a question (within minutes):

"Do people like to have sex?"

I was not anticipating this!! I don't want to glorify sex to my 8 year old but I don't want to go back on one of the most important things I just told my daughter, which is "If you have any questions about sex, come to me and I will always tell you the truth about it." So I told her that people do enjoy sex and that it is something special that she should share with her husband. I left religious reasoning out because she may well decide not to be a religious person, but I think it is good practice regardless. Then the next question:

"Do you like having sex with Jesse?"

At this question I addressed the privacy part of sex. I told her that I would not talk to her about my own sex life and that it's not appropriate to ask people about their's, either. She understood that, but was not offended.

A couple of days later I readdressed the sex talk and asked her to tell me any additional questions she had come up with. I could have waited until she approached me but you can't be entirely sure that they are comfortable initiating the conversation, or even that they will know how. She had some more questions about sex but I don't recall what they were.

Madison turned 9 in May and has asked me more questions about sex when she thinks of them and we have so far covered, all of them were lead by questions she had:

• Birth control
• In-Vertro Fertilization
• Sexually Transmitted Diseases
• Things boys/girls say and do to try to have sex with you
• Body parts that are considered sexually attractive (the conventional ones)
• Inappropriate clothing
• Reason's it is important and/or a good idea to not have sex until you are married (religious and not religious reasons)
• Sexual terminology (thanks TV and radio)
• Words she hears at day care (she hasn't heard any at school)
• Signs of puberty

And I am sure the list will keep expanding. The key idea is honesty. Let your children know that you will always be honest; and initiate conversations often so that they don't feel like it is a taboo subject. One thing I didn't mention was that I told Madison not to discuss this with other children at school - even if another child had false information. We tall often about respecting other parents' choices for their children. Like that my friend tells her daughter that she will get pregnant if she kisses a boy. Madison knows that is not true but she doesn't say anything about it.

Be honest

Use facts

Initiate conversations often

Tell them you will be honest

Dinner with a side of sweets, anyone?

I see and hear a lot of parents being concerned about their child's daily intake of food. Everything from picky eaters to kids who just don't eat enough is brought up. My own two children are opposites when it comes to eating - and almost everything else!

In my classroom we never, ever serve "sweets" in the traditional form. All of the food we serve has good nutritional content. The biggest "sweet" the children get is a muffin for breakfast or snack. And I can tell you, 100 percent, there has never been a child in my class who asked me for dessert or candy after their meal.

At home, I never really served dessert to my own children, either. After dinner or anything. I didn't get dessert as a child due to financial limits (that is not the case for my family now); it was, however, something I fantasized about. I knew my peers got dessert on a regular basis. The initial reason I never started serving dessert was because it seemed like a tremendous waste of food and money, but after thinking about the negative association I thought about the positive: I want my kids to remember having a special treat after dinner - sometimes. However, I didn't want them to expect or crave all that sugary goodness (or evilness) after dinner every day.

First and foremost, I want to address the idea that dessert should be served after dinner. Every night of the week. When we do this we are triggering a sugar craving in our child's brains that says "I need sugar" after their evening meal, which is not true. It does not need sugar; it has been taught that it's supposed to have sugar. An easy solution for my family, without totally obliterating desert, was picking a desert night once a week. Additionally, we make dessert something not totally junky. Frozen Go-Gurts are great. Or maybe starwberries with whipped cream. These might seem silly and slight to us adults who know desert as being a big slice of German Chocolate Cake, but to the children it becomes a "treat" when it is not a nightly occurrence. In all honesty, since I added a dessert night my kids tend forget desert is an option on Saturday... and so do I.

This particular idea might not fit your family, but brainstorm ideas to cut out the obligatory sweets-after-dinner as part of your evening routine. Mind you, I said "sweets" and not necessarily "sugar". Their brain is not distinguishing between healthful and not-healthful foods. Be it yogurt or M&M's, it is associating the taste, not the type of sugar. When your child is an adult, chances are they will skip dessert most of the time if they haven't been trained to expect it and - let's face it - traditional dessert's are packed with oils, sugars, and empty calories.

Ask yourself this: When is the last time you spent 7 days of a week craving a big handful of fresh green beans to follow your dinner? When you weren't pregnant... What if I replaced fresh green beans with ice cream/cookie/donut/cake/anything sweet?