Honesty

I never liked the way it sounded when I considered telling my child that she was "lying" or refering to other people as "liars" when I was speaking with my children present. It took me some thinking to figure out how I was going to approach the idea of saying things that are not true, as well as detering that behavior in my own children.

Most of my parenting comes from simply sitting and reflecting on my own childhood and what it was like to be a child. Where did I learn honesty (or lack there of)? Where did I learn to tell lies? What made me not want to be dishonest?

First and foremost, I decided that I would refer to the act of lying as "being dishonest". I feel like that is a more gentle way to refer to that action. To call someone a liar is to call them a derogatory name. To tell someone that they are being dishonest is to refer to their actual behavior. I never, ever use derogatory terms when I am talking to my children or around them.

So where do we learn to lie? Some element of logic tells us that fibbing is a great way to get out of sticky situations that you put yourself in. Eventually, you learn that this backfire tremendously. The bigger the lie, the bigger the mess you create. There is also "pro-social" lies. Like telling your girlfriend you love her new hair, when in reality you think it stinks. We learn both of these from our parents and our mentors. You hear your mother call in sick to work because your family is going to the fair that day. You hear your father tell your grandmother you are going to be late to dinner because of traffic, when really he got side tracked on the internet. These small examples tell children that it is okay to make up lies to get yourself out of trouble. The "honest" thing to do it take responsibility for your own transgressions. Generally, they are not that big of a deal, which is why we turn to making up stories in the first place. What children hear, however, is "This is a big enough deal for my mom/dad to lie about it."

Obviously, I am going to say that the best deterant is to not lie. Do not lie to your children or around them. It may even encourage you to be a more honest person. I know there are times (geez, many times!) I wanted to make up some GREAT reason why my kids are late to school, other than that Mommy left the house 5 minutes late. However, my children hold me to a higher standard than that. They would question my judgment (very verbally, lol) if I started being dishonest.

Do my kids lie? Of course they do. Do they get caught? Yup. What do I do about it? I tell them "I really don't appreciate your dishonesty." 100 percent of the time I get the downcast gaze and "Momma, will you forgive me?". Not because I told them they were liars. Not because I used a condescending tone. Not because I hurt their feelings. They understand that I expect them to be honest and that I will be honest with them. Sometimes bigger lies warrant bigger discussions, but it is always about the same concept:

I expect you to be honest, and you should expect me to be honest, too.